Breastfeeding, pumping, and formula (oh my)
The one where I use the word "breast" so much you may stop feeling uncomfortable about it.
I have stopped breastfeeding my daughter. She is only 8 months old, but I’m not doing it anymore.
I have a couple of reasons for this:
She bites me every time I breastfeed her
We already have to supplement her milk with formula
I’m tired of pumping
I’m really tired of pumping
That first reason—that she is using me as a teething ring—should be enough for most mothers. Alas, that’s not how guilt works. I’ve been fighting with a lot of messages I’ve internalized from doctors, parenting books, other mothers, and the world about the “right way” to feed my kid.
At the end of the day, my daughter is healthy, she is fed, and she is emotionally supported. But as my friend (and fellow working mom) Ayumi Bennett said so beautifully:
“the motherhood industrial complex is out to make us feel guilty about one thing or another all the time…as if that’s how our devotion is measured.”
So many mothers (including myself) look for feedback from the rest of the world that they’re doing the right thing. But the rest of the world is going to give you platitudes, oversimplifications, and metrics that may not have anything to do with your child.
Breastfeeding pressure comes at you fast
Every new mom will at some point get asked about whether she is breastfeeding her kids, whether she wanted to, or whether she plans to. We hear “breast is best” at every turn. The doctors give you literature on it, nurses check in on whether you have attempted it, every hospital delivery will come with a free session with a lactation consultant, and many women will offer up a story about their “breastfeeding journey.”
All of this pressure fails to notice that, sure, the slogan “breast is best” is really catchy, but what’s really best is FED.
Breast is best mentality hurts parents and children
The over-simplification of the breast is best message fails to take into account the nuances. Some parents can’t breastfeed because they don’t produce enough milk, or their child can’t latch, or because the parents have adopted the child.
Here are reasons, just from women I know, why breastfeeding didn’t work:
The child was allergic to milk and soy, and therefore had to be on a special formula.
The child was adopted.
The mother had mastitis three times in a month.
The mother wasn’t producing enough milk.
The mother worked and couldn’t take breaks to pump.
All of the children in these situations are healthy, smart, thriving children now, and are no worse off because they were formula fed.
An excruciating part of parenting is the feeling that your child needs something that you’re not able to give to them. When a parent cannot breastfeed their child but receives messages at every turn that it is the best option, they feel that they’re not doing it right.
Maybe it’s just my perfectionist tendencies, but if I feel I’m doing something wrong, I try my darndest to fix it. But many parents can’t fix this problem. So they beat themselves up instead.
That guilt is ultimately unnecessary because formula is also a very good option for infants. By oversimplifying the breastfeeding message, we tell parents that they’re doing what’s second-best for their children. For many of us, if you’re not first, you’re last.
Of course every parent wants to do what’s best for their children. But parents also have to make other choices.
So, if you’re a new parent and you’re waiting for permission to give yourself a break, consider this your permission slip. If your child is fed, healthy, and growing, that’s what matters.