Brunette ambition
If Madonna can do it, why can't I?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ambition. It often feels like a dirty word, a thing to be avoided, a sin.
And we love to stomp on women with ambition: Madonna, Britney, Kamala. You can see it clear as day in any comment section. These women want to make art or make the world a better place or even, yes, be famous, and we cheer their successes—until we don’t. And it’s that last part that’s so scary.
No wonder I’ve taken so long to even believe that I could write this book. The ambition of it, the audacity of believing in myself and my own (however meager) success brings with it the terrifying specter of being perceived, judged, and ultimately rejected.
I know I’m getting ahead of myself. No agent, no book deal, no reason to really think I’ll be successful. And yet, the ambition remains.
While I’m working, I don’t think about these things. However, when I’m journaling, when I’m thinking deeply about my writing and the what and the how and the why of what I’m doing, well the doubt begins to creep in. So I list the reasons why:
I am doing this because I have a story to tell.
I’m doing this to teach my children that they should follow their dreams.
I’m doing this because it’s hard.
I’m doing this because I want to create.
Sure, I can (and do) create in many ways. And I could achieve those goals in many other ways that don’t require a 5am wake up.
But I keep coming back to it. I keep coming back to this character and her story, and I think that’s what it means to be ambitious.
I’m driven by something deep inside of myself, and I cannot turn back now.
I tend to shy away from celebrating my own accomplishments, because I feel like I they have come too easily. Like I expect excellence from myself and when it happens I shrug it off, because I met my own expectations.
So let me brag a bit: I submitted my query letter for public feedback last week. I was terrified that it would be torn apart. But I got good feedback! Not for the first time, but maybe in the most public way yet, I got feedback that the work I’m doing right now could be good. I’m still riding high on that interaction, because I worked really hard on that pitch.
And it makes me feel a bit of hope that this dream might actually come true.
So, if that’s ambition, then fine. It feels good.
Recommended Reading
Not much to recommend this week. I’m reading a draft of a friend’s historical fiction novel, and getting lost in that. Other than that, I’ve been watching The White Lotus (mostly for Parker Posey, but also because Walton Goggins. Little known fact: I have a long-abandoned Twitter profile @WaltonBloggins. I honestly don’t know what’s on there, probably embarrassing stuff from 2017.)
I’ve also been spending a lot of time in the garden. So that’s my recommendation: Go spend some time outside.