I’m judging your parenting

But I’m probably being a harsher judge of my own behavior, so we all lose.

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and so in the absence of someone telling us “yes, do this” or “no, that’s wrong” we’re all out here guessing. That’s why parenting books are perennial best-sellers, why there is a mommy blog industry, and why a million parents have millions of followers on TikTok or Instagram. We all just want some validation that we’re doing the right thing, that we’re not going to get DCS called on us for having dirty dishes in the sink (you won’t), and that we’re not screwing up our kids. 

And that makes us really judgy. Our judgemental attitudes help us reaffirm our beliefs, build up confidence in the ways that we do things, and to some extent help guide us within the social sphere. And it just feels good when you find a friend, a partner, or a tribe of folks who feel the same way as you, even if it’s about breastfeeding, the dangers of meat, or the latest toddler fashions.

I am fully guilty of being (irrationally) judgy. Here are a couple of ways:

Baby NOT on board

I hate “baby on board” stickers. If I’m alone in my own car, I actively look to see if the driver has a baby in the backseat. If they do, I say something like “oh, good to see you’re using it correctly!” with a sarcastic slow-clap. If they don’t, I scream something to the extent of “oh, no! Baby NOT on board, huh!?” 

The stickers are meant to be cute and helpful. Unless you get into a crash without a baby in the car seat, and the EMTs spend lots of time looking for a kid that wasn’t there in the first place. I heard about this once from a first responder and have had a thing against them ever since. 

Ponytail requests

Whenever I put my daughter’s hair in a ponytail, Fishy also asks for a ponytail. And why not? He’s not even three years old. Sometimes he gets one and then I get busy and forget to put Sweet Pea’s hair in a ponytail. He usually wears his ponytail to school, and I imagine the judgy looks that he might get from other parents and the teachers. I can play through all sorts of scenarios in which I vehemently defend my son’s hair, clothing, gender choices. I have not yet once had to have this conversation with anyone, to be fair.

Kids and sleep

I mean, if everyone else would just do everything the right way (my way), then we wouldn’t have this problem. People should just not keep their kids out after 8:30 pm, say. It’s that simple. Put them to bed. Of course that means you have to stay in the house, but what were we going to do after 8:30 pm anyway? There’s a pandemic on. You should put your infant down for 2 naps a day at least, and your toddler should take at least 1 long nap. That’s the rule.

My judgements are not rational expectations

But most of these judgements don’t have any basis in reality. The parents of a new child might get some peace of mind from that baby on board sticker every time they get in the car. 

I have never seen anyone judge Fishy harshly for his ponytail. What’s important is that he’s a kid that’s kind and works hard, but I get in an internal tizzy thinking that someone might. And that just makes me want to give him a ponytail more often, because it’s cute, he likes it, and how we wear our hair isn’t a moral issue.

And yes, I know that every family has its own schedule. Our family gets up early and goes to bed early. That’s our choice, and other families are allowed to make their own choices.

I’ve been given the assurance over and over that other people don’t remember what I say in the same ways that I do. But I hold other people to very high standards, and I hold myself to similarly high standards.

The problem with my particular brand of anxiety is that I remember every time I’ve been socially awkward and replay it over and over. And somehow being weirdly judgy (or justifiably judgy) toward other people factors into that social awkwardness. I know that I worry too much about what other people think. I’m working on it so I don’t pass that on to my kids.

It’d be a lot easier if other people just did everything my way.